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Although her stepfather had long since left, Nancy was still haunted by vivid memories and horrible dreams. Anytime a boy even tried to get close to her, she would recoil in fear and start to shake and sweat. She has never told anyone about the abuse. She seemed destined to suffer in silence.Nancy's one activity in which she found comfort was listening to music. She particularly liked the album 'Just Jimmy Reed', which her cousin had bought her on a trip to Chicago. She would listen to side one over and over, basking in the primal rhythms and sexual motifs while getting lost in the sound of Jimmy's deep, rich voice.One night, while lying on the bed naked, she began to cuddle up with her favorite blanket. It was a quilt her aunt made for her a few years back. It was thick and oh, so warm and comfortable. She was listening to her favorite Jimmy Reed album and imagining Jimmy was talking to her when he sang 'but I'm a natural born lover, yea I'm a real good lover'. She imagined Jimmy as. I was so stressed I rememberseeing a bag with used clothes, in it was a silky Green Party dress. Ineeded release from the stress so came and quietly in my room put on thedress. It made me so alive, the feeling of the silky of the dress, andthe restricting skirt, while I discovered myself...I came for the 1st timeI recall.... That was the 1st time I remember. From there I starting todress more.Going to goodwill during college breaks to pickup some dresses or try ona wedding dress.There was a time I explored much more of my femininity in my late 20'searly 30's. Going out dressed en femme, shopping shopping =), going toclub dances, meeting other sisters like me, goin to various meetups andparades dressed. It was a alive exp.Then something happened and stopped exploring, a failed encounter with aguy one night in a bar, made me think I wasn't up to being a gurl sinceof rejection. Somehow that stopped me,.... Leaving me in a gray area...failed as a man, failed as a girl.I still dress,.
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